[TLRIV]

So, on a whim, I went and saw GI Joe. I hadn't really been planning on seeing it.

The movie succeeds on a few fronts. It's loud, it's pretty much nonstop shit-blowing-up, and the dialog is straight out of an 80's cartoon (wait, is that a success?).


My gripes about the movie are two-fold. First, Scarlet. I really dislike the female "I'm a badass and I DO NOT KNOW WHAT EMOTION IS but I have a softer side you'll see in about a half-hour" archetype.

Secondly, and this is one that's more of a personal thing, but the movie was just too super-sci-fi-futuristic-high-technology for me. It annoys me when a protagonist in a movie makes use of a weapon that has absolutely no practical application except for the exact circumstance in which he uses it at that very moment. This is most offensive during an underwater submarine chase wherein the chasee sub deploys laser-trigger proximity bombs to either side of it on the sides of two icebergs that just so happen to be just far enough apart for the sub to get through and the pursuer to trip the laser bombs behind. It's like the guys who designed the sub said, "Well, what if the person piloting this sub ends up being chased in a hallway beneath the sea?"

I thought the ending was cool.

I didn't feel like I got ripped off other than my discovery that the ticket is now $9.50, so it must not have been too bad.

[Benevolance]

I'm kind of curious how it stands up as a GI JOE movie. From the previews, nothing seemed very GI Joe about it, except Snake Eyes. And even he looked a bit more Batman than Snake Eyes. If you went and saw this movie without knowing the title, would you say "That was an awesome GI Joe movie?" Or could they have licensed virtually any other quasi-military franchise and acheived the same results?

[TLRIV]

It's been so long since I was exposed to the source material, I can't really give a good answer on that. The guy I went with, who does remember the source material, cited a few things that were changed but it seemed to be fairly true to the show with some understandable modernizing.

Also, it took about 10 minutes for General Hawk to say "Knowing is half the battle" which pleased me greatly.

[Benevolance]

Okay, that's pretty cool. Jenn and I had said that the movie would totally be worth price of admission if, at the very end, they did a learning moment segment. I might be willing to settle for some cheesy taglines!

[prussia]

Pork Chop Sandwiches!!

[Ishn]

Lance, the original GI Joe movie blows horrible ass chunks. My friends and I watched it recently to get psyched for the new movie, and realized that it does not hold up well to the terrors of aging, and was simply a literal pain to watch.

[Benevolance]

The original GI Joe movie wasn't even good when it came out. It was just a quick way to introduce some new toys. But the years and years of cartoons were pretty good, and established a pretty good baseline for what a GI Joe movie should be.

[Jahx]

I felt like the movie was based of the memories of writers who watched GI Joe when they were younger, had quite a few toys, remembered some of the cartoon shows, and filled in the rest from stuff they did with their toys.

In looking at it as a modernization of the cartoon in live action form, it was pretty good. As a movie version of the comic book story line by Larry Hama, it failed.

[Ishn]

I never read the comic, only watched the cartoon. I thought this was a fun and entertaining action movie, but felt that it failed to live up to the GI Joe label.

As an action movie, I give it a 6/10.
As a GI Joe Live Action movie, I give it a 4/10.

[Benevolance]

I watched this movie on the flight. This movie sucked on so many levels it is hard to know where to begin.

Gah! I still don't know where to begin. In no particular order:

- The stupid "won't kill a girl" bit between Zardov and Stormshadow is simply so that stormshadow doesn't completely fuck over Scarlet during the siege scene, and so that Baroness and Scarlet can have a cat fight.

- The camoflage suit? Fuck it, didn't someone think to use it for espionage? Come on. You're storming an enemy lair and you didn't bring it? And the best you could think of when defending your base is to activate it for hand to hand combat? Here's an idea. GET A FUCKING GUN! The invisibility suit isn't a second level spell. If you fucking shoot baroness gangster style, with your god damn seeker crossbow bolts, you won't suddenly become visible and have to recast.

- Programmable weakness-seeking crossbow bolts? Why the fuck didn't you use those again in the movie, you stupid, obviously dyed hair bitch? That was a pretty frickin' awesome weapon.

- Ripcord's seduction of Scarlett is the most seriously, fucking weak seduction I have ever seen. And yes, I'm including Star Wars 2: Attack of the Clones in that mix.

- Duke had less acting ability that Keanu Reeves and Tom Cruise. I had more empathy for super-soldier #2 that died by the cobra bite.

- Flash forward, flash back, flash forward, flash back, flash back, flash sidways...yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

- Okay, her brother turned evil because the nano-technology looked cool? Give me a break! That is the lamest, most retard thing ever! It's like he was completely evil already, and decided to switch sides because the other side offered him more. Only, it didn't really. And he could have had it all anyway.

- Corollary - she broke the nanotechnology programming because of LOVE? GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!

- What the hell happened to the scientist that promised the Baroness' brother everything? He just disappeared?

- I think Zartan was the same guy that played the Mummy in the first two (good) Mummy movies but I haven't double checked. Anyway, he was really good. He was the most believable character in the movie. He wins the Ewan McGregor Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith award.

- Destro wasn't terrible, either. He acquitted himsel very well in the movie.

- The Baroness had really nice tits. That is about the greatest nod I can give her, and she had a lot of support from her costume in that regard.

- Did Dennis Quaid just phone in his lines? This guy can act. I know he can. What the hell was he thinking signing onto this piece of shit movie? He deserves a better paycheque than this.

- Was that a Brendan Fraser cameo? WTF? This movie would have been far superior if it was left to Brendan Fraser and Zartan to battle it out, Mummy style.

- Super suits...useful for a car chase only? Those would have been really helpful infiltrating an enemy base, I think. Why not use them again? Were they being repainted? Were they at the auto-detailer to buff out those scuff marks?

- At least some famous land mark OTHER THAN THE STATUE OF LIBERTY got blow up. Stupid american-centric movies. The rest of the world doesn't really care/have much interest in that giant statue France gave you. Say, when was the last time you thanked France for giving you your national landmark? Did you thank them by producing a movie that blew up the Eiffel tower? How considerate of you.

-Okay, the Baroness had really nice boobs.